If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
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