don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
Note: fake nails and fingering anus.... Not a good idea
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
He always takes home straight guys. He plays One Night Stand on Ledgendary Mode
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
