Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
Text me some of your sweat
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
Randomize
