we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
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