DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
he squeezed my boobs like he didn't know what else to do with them, then turned down head...
told you he was gay.
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
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