Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
I'm ready for my liver to be the last casualty of 2009
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
As shirtless as possible
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
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