its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
i failed horribly. studying for that final was as pointless as Vinnie is to Jersey Shore
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
Pregaming for shuffle board at 10 AM. I love spring break.
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
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