Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
I don`t remember Saturday, actually
Its ok, i dont remember 2007
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
I want to create a human. Discussion later.
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
