and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Randomize
