I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
Turns out naked twister is less fun than it sounds. I can never look Lee in the eye again. But Aimee's boobs are glorious.
Randomize
