Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
She made a list of the things each of us had done wrong and assigned a point system. Guess who came out the loser?
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
well I think it'll pretty much be gone by Saturday. On a scale of 1- Snooki's unborn child how much do periods freak you out?
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
So how was it?
The cemetery or the sex?
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
Randomize
