My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
So many bounce houses so little time
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
His wife made me pancakes and let me borrow a clean shirt. Should I drop his class or use this to my advantage
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
Randomize
