Now it won't go down.
You've got a gift.
Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
Randomize
