I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
I just sat through a State Farm mortgage Insurance commercial to watch a Trick Daddy video. Is this the target audience they are going for here?
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
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