Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
and he said i stripped him down, hand cuffed him to his bed post, and tickled his arm pits, and then continued to watch The Hangover.
No its cool I don't even have to do anything he is rapping to one of the strippers. He is punishing himself enough.
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
there is glitter all over my balls
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
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