No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
just tell him i said nine months
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
I gave in, made out with her, and long story short, I'm giving hetero another try.
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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