upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
Randomize
