your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
i gave her road head last night, needless to say it wasn't the same and i bit a chunk of the inside of my cheek off.
she got to the point every few minutes she checked to see if her boobs were still there.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
Randomize
