I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
I honestly get shocked all over again every time I pull his pants down. It's one of those feelings you never get tired of.
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
She wanted me to watch her masterbate and after she thanked me for a wonderful evening and left. This state is weird.
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
Dammit now I'm pissed. Its like I am torn between two worlds. A world of girls, and a world of people punching other people in the head. Both are just so beautiful.
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Randomize
