Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
How do you get eyebrow wax out of your butthole region?
The fact that you aren't ashamed to ask that is the reason I will give you the answer. Under the sink there is a bottle of wax remover. Throw my waxing kit away as well.
get to allyx's house asap
Ok is everything ok
Yeah, theres just lesbians
omg yes on my way
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
Randomize
