you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
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