DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
The sex is great, I just think it'd be better if we listened to Deftones during it.
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
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