the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
I'm seeing how far I can grow my leg hair out before Jason will say anything. I'm up to an inch
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Randomize
