He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
As planned I took it to the limit. Then we met a new limit. Now they are limit friends.
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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