I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
i cant decide if i should go fuck j*** or keep watching real genius
I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
Honestly the prospect of dick really lifts a girl's spirits
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
Yeaaaaa...im super disgusted with myself lol...which is interesting, considering all of the things I have done in my life...
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
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