U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
I murdered the dance floor call the cops
I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
So i literally just wrote sorry on my quiz and turned it in.
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
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