sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
I just hope this isn't happening Final Destination style
Travis Barker would totally be Devon Sawa in this scenario
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
we turned his baptism video into a drinking game
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
What's the weirdest place you've ever had sex?
I don't think you're psychologically prepared for this conversation.
Randomize
