Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
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