So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
I have bruises from doing the splits on the poles, if that doesn't scream bourbon street regret then I don't know what does
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
Randomize
