Last night is one of those stories you hear about on 20/20 right after they make a law banning 90% if what I did.
Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
We left an ass print on the piano.
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
Randomize
