I wish I could teleport
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
I am unable to type or say "unprotected, receptive anal sex" with a straight face. clearly, HIV was a poor research paper topic choice.
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
It's only 9 and these two girls are already walking around Walmart barefoot and holding their heels. WE NEED TO STEP IT UP.
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
