She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
On a better note: I'm on pace for 730 female produced orgasms in 2013.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
On a scale of 1-10 how inappropriate is it for me to ask if Walgreens offers teacher discounts when purchasing a Plan B pill?
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
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