i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
do you think the kids from 7th heaven are mad that dennis and sweet dee are their half-brother and sister?
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
Randomize
