I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
I thought she was going to get passionate and throw her on the bed and fuck her, but she just started breaking stuff.
That's the thing about women.
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
Randomize
