From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
What's the place called?
I searched "county" on google, but....there's a lot of results
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
Randomize
