I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
No. If I hated you would get none. Then I would eat them all in front of you and laugh at your tears. Although that hasn't been ruled out for entertainment purposes. Nothing purposeful.
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
I got confused. The music was loud, porn was playing, people were grinding, there were hand jobs.
Randomize
