he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
Randomize
