I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
im gay
i know
yea but for you.
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
it was fucking weird. cops showed up but they appreciated our 3 story bong. and then some girl tried to steal our cheese and butter
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
Randomize
