matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
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