if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
Randomize
