i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
Its name is Richard. And I think he formally introduced us.
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
I yelled at your uterus for you.
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
