Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7'
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
Sorry about the confusion with the nudes last night that was rude
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
Randomize
