I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
pesky things like morals, self-preservation and cowardice are not needed. overkill is nothing but a word. there will be blood.
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
There is no rule that you can't be in a room with more than one dick that's been inside you.
This whole brainwashing thing is easy!
Randomize
