just come out here and I will go home with you...
so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
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