see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
I don't care that he's really strong. I need him to make me cum not fix my back problems
He is saved in her phone as Sir. Mindfuck <3/ vag cleaner of course I need to meet him.
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
Randomize
