So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
Woke up to a sex noise notice under my door...he gets a A+ for proformance and ill be seeing him again.
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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