i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
What can i say, inner beauty is great but it makes a hard picture to jack off to
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
Taking a shot every time the Russian in COD says vodka... BEST drinking game ever.
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
Randomize
