I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
I passed out on my porch last night. I'm still making it to class. This is what growing up means.
Apparently one comment in my womens studies class cockblocks yourself for an entire semester.
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
Randomize
