I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
is it weird to think that girls born in '96 are now legal?
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
actually there are like 49038098 people in the bathroom for no reason. Singing My Heart Will Go On and pseudo fighting.
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
Randomize
