the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
And now we have yet another reason to never travel to Detroit
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
Randomize
