I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
Randomize
