I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
Girls don't like it when you cum inside them and then discuss baby names.
Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
There is ecstasy everywhere. Get over here right no5w. The 5 is silent.
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
Randomize
