I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
Well, as a member of the greater american southwest gay community I just have to mark this as a total loss and you will be missed.
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
Stories. There's stories.
MEGHAN YOU'VE BEEN THERE FOR 20 MINUTES
I would be down to associate sex w taco bell
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
Randomize
